Husband, wife living ‘separate lives’


Dear Violet,

My husband and I are living separate lives. He has his work, his friends, even his own apartment, and I have mine. We have lived his way for over 15 years and it has worked, somewhat, but I find as I get older (we are both 39), I want someone who I can talk to at night, a best friend and not a passing acquaintance for my marriage.

How do I approach my husband about this desire, because every time I try to bring it up, he changes the subject?

Lonely in marriage

Dear Lonely,

What’s in a name? Loneliness is in yours, and in your life. Often times what we need when we are 24 is a very different thing than what we need nearing our middle age years. We are no longer the same people and what we need in another person changes, as well. Often this leads to divorce, if the two individuals can not grow the same direction or with the same needs.

In your situation you made an agreement years ago for a certain type of relationship dynamic. Your needs have changed, from your husband’s reaction his needs are the same, distance and a casual marriage. Though it’s unfortunate it is where your situation has grown, in separate directions.

I suggest you ask your husband for counseling and be direct and open about your needs. If he does not want the same ideal of marriage it’s time to wish your husband the best and move on with your own life and needs.


Dear Violet is a relationship advice column, covering both domestic relationships and familial relationships, as well as friendships, that will run semi-monthly in the Gonzales Inquirer. If you have something you want to get advice about, write in and get a third party, no ax to grind perspective. Welcome to Violet’s world. Send questions, comments or concerns attention: Ask Violet c/o Gonzales Inquirer at