All or nothing

Dear Violet,

I’m twenty-five, single and the mother of a beautiful one year old daughter. I want to go back to school, but am finding it difficult to work two jobs, juggle motherhood, and go to classes, let alone complete the required homework. My own mother has offered to take my daughter in, to live with her, and adopt. Now, I am okay with my daughter, temporarily, living with my mom (who is currently in a different state), but not forever. However, my mom says if she takes my daughter in, it’s for good, as she will only take her if she can adopt her, and keep her. I love my daughter, and love being a mom, but also know I am not ever going to be a truly good mom if I can not provide. My choice is then to allow my daughter a life with my mom, being raised as my sister, and then I go on and provide for my own child or children, in the future; or, I keep my child, live hand to mouth and never give her the life she deserves.

Wanting to be a responsible mom, but

Confused

Dear Confused,

As I read your letter, you, yourself, state, “but not forever” when referring to your daughter being with your mother. However, you go on to describe the possibility of doing just that, giving your daughter up, forever. I am unsure why your mother will not temporarily care her grandchild, but presume it’s fear of becoming attached and then losing the child. This should not be a choice you have to make, it shouldn’t be “all or nothing”, in my opinion. However, I am not a member of your family, and have no say in the matter, further, it’s clear the situation is all or nothing, in so far as your mother is concerned. There is not right or wrong answer here, but I feel you should listen to your heart and what you are actually saying, with an emphasis being that you already said you “would not be alright” with forever. No matter your choice, I wish you the best as you and your daughter move forward in your lives.

Warm wishes

Violet

Dear Violet is a relationship advice column, covering both domestic relationships and familial relationships, as well as friendships. If you have something you want to get advice about, write in and get a third party, no ax to grind perspective. Welcome to Violet’s world. Send questions, comments or concerns attention: Ask Violet c/o Gonzales Inquirer at publisher@gonzalesinquirer.com.